ARCHIVE 09.23.2002-02.06.2003
2003.02.06
I've added stuff to the painting. I'm not going to explain, except to say that I thought the teal "o" thingies were kinda lame so I painted over them. I don't know what the new addition means. If someone who knows something about art has any insights as to what my painting may mean, he or she is welcome to say something.
Life this past week has been interesting, to say the least. I've learned who my friends are and who my friends aren't. And I'm disappointed to say that most of my friends aren't in the theatre. This isn't to say that they're not fun and good people, which they are, but they're just not my friends. When I was feeling down and alone earlier this week, it wasn't them that I turned to.
Which brings me to the reason I was feeling down and alone earlier this week, and that was because in 24 hours I managed to tick off many of the important people in my life. I asked a stupid and impertinent question of Anita on Monday and she took offense, as she was right to do so. It was a stupid question and I shouldn't have asked it. Then, Monday night, at Shatners, I don't know what happened to me but I was being a complete and utter ass - that's the only word I can use to describe it - and I basically killed the rehearsal. I had a lot of apologizing to do, because I really was a complete ass that night. (Tonight, incidentally, is the first Shatners practice since then… tonight I shall find out if they have forgiven me or not.)
And through it all, it was my Christian friends - Emm, Matt, Megan, Jenn - that stuck by me, that told me I was going to be okay. I'm really grateful for their support and friendship. God has truly blessed me to have them in my life.
Which brings me to the next point, which very well should have been the first point, which is that I seem to be going through another religious revival. I've been praying a lot more and reading some good apologetics as well as CS Lewis, whom I believe to be one of the great theologians - or at least one of the great Christian communicators - of all time. His work opens my eyes like nobody else's I've seen. His writing really connects in my life with where I am.
And where I am is that I need to learn some humility. Most of the problems in my life stem from my pride and arrogance, and that's just not right. I'm beginning to see that I'd not only be closer to God if I were humbler, but that I'd just generally be a happier person (not that that concept can be separated from closeness to God.) So I've been praying for God to humble me, to help me delight in others and in the world around me. I can't say if it's happening yet… that's something that takes time to find out. I'm not going to see changes after less than a week.
One of the other things I've really been praying about is that God release me from this prison of my head. Too often I process the world around me - and the people around me - like it's all not real, like it's just some projection into space. As such, I tend to live a lot in my own head, even processing the world in some ways as merely an extension of my own head. This, needless to say, isn't good, and it's something that needs to change… I can only change it with God's help.
In other, less important news, I'm rebounding from the breakup quite nicely. It was a little touch-and-go there for a day or two, but I'm doing fine now. I've even officially met a few young ladies who could be prospects, but such things will come in their due time.
Well, that was long now, wasn't it? I'm going to stop writing and eat food, because food, in my humble opinion, is good.
2003.02.01
Sorry, folks. No painting today.
I'm sure you can guess why this page is black: the loss of Columbia this morning.
When I was a kid, I couldn't get enough of space. I had a little shuttle model. I knew the names of the three shuttles that were in service at the time: Columbia, Challenger, and Endeavor. Whenever there was a launch, my mom would wake me up early and we'd sit in front of the television and watch. My heroes weren't sports stars or presidents; they were Neil Armstrong, John Glenn, Sally Ride. I could name every one of them by heart, tell you what they'd done, tell you the names of their ships. Columbia wasn't just a shuttle to me; it was my inspiration, it was what fueled my interest in science, it was my dream. One day I knew I'd be on a shuttle. One day I'd be in space.
I can remember it vividly, that morning in 1986: I was in my parents' room at the time, in our house in Bloomington, Minnesota, watching the launch on TV. I was excited; all we'd been talking about at school the previous day was that this was going to be the first time a schoolteacher was going to go into space. The shuttle took off - like so many shuttles I'd seen take off in the past - and in horror it burst into flame before my eyes. I don't remember if I cried or not (my mom could probably tell me) but I do remember that that was the end of a dream for me - I could never be an astronaut now. Not if things like this happened.
I never lost my interest in space. Throughout the remainder of my youth, I followed the space program, though my thoughts turned more to the science, to the stars. I was a member of the Columbus Astronomical Society; one of my most treasured memories is of the time I got to close the dome doors at the Perkins Observatory. Even though I never again wanted to fly one, the shuttles inspired a lifelong passion in me, a passion for science and for exploration of the unknown.
I heard about today's disaster on the radio as I was driving to a worship team gathering for church. It's only a five minute drive, but I still very nearly pulled over and cried. The news reports, still at that time scattered, hit me like a punch in the gut: shuttle disappeared, debris spotted, likely no survivors. I could barely speak. I was stunned. As I heard bits and pieces of confirmation later today, it seemed almost unreal. Not another one. Not now.
One of my childhood friends is gone forever. Rest in peace, Columbia. Rest in peace, crew. You have died honorably; you have seen wonders few of my generation will ever see; you have touched the stars. May we honor your memories not by taking another step backwards, but by doubling our pace forwards, outwards, in your names.
2003.01.31
2003.01.31
Added the design in the middle as well as some purple along the lower-left quadrant
When I sat down to make tonight's change to the painting, I had planned to make an earth-symbol in the previous focal point in the upper-left. What I got instead was this... four rings, interconnected. I don't know what this signifies, or even if it needs to signify anything at all.
So, on to the big news, which is that I'm single again. Today Anita left me a letter saying that she has too much going on in her life to be in a relationship right now, and I completely understand. To tell the truth, I kinda saw this coming… if things had continued the way they were going, what with us only being able to even talk to each other once a week because of our busy schedules, I don't think our relationship could have survived too much longer. When we got into this relationship, I told her that I didn't want her to give anything up for me, that I didn't want to dominate her life or for her to dominate mine; this is one of the risks of that approach.
So, surprisingly (especially to those who witnessed my previous breakup) I'm cool with it. We're still quite good friends, she still has a special place in my heart. Both of us acknowledge, I think, that in different circumstances the relationship could have progressed much further, but alas, circumstances are not always ripe for such things.
In fact, I think this might be a blessing in disguise… this is God giving me an opportunity to deepen my relationship with Him, to work on the things in my life that need improving, to create and deepen some other relationships in my life that have kind of fallen by the wayside while this relationship was going on. This is God showing me how much I've grown in the last year and a half, how He's changed me into a more stable, more mature person, and I'm glad and thankful for it. I don't know… for some reason, I'm not sad or despondent as I would have been if this had happened at another point in my life. It's not that I don't care for Anita - I still do love her very much, though the nature of that love and the ways in which I express it will change - but I'm a strong enough person now, with God's help, that I don't need her, or any other woman, to complete me.
Or maybe it just hasn't sunk in yet.
2003.01.28
2003.01.28
Added a green strip running through the middle as well as on edges.
First, about today's addition... when viewed in the usually very low light of my apartment as it is at night, the painting appears to be almost entirely black - it is very hard to pick out where the reds and blues I used are, since they are of such deep hues. Thus, I added some green down the middle... right through the focal point the previous days seemed to be establishing. It is possible that that point will reappear at a later point... but for right now, it is obscured behind a very interesting shade of green.
What this has to do with my life, I don't know. Right now, I'm feeling a little lost, really... I haven't talked to Anita for about four days now (save a brief conversation in the lounge Monday) and it's starting to worry me, since I keep leaving her IM's and she never calls or replies. I know she's very busy this week, and that it's probably very stressful for her (especially seeing as how she's sick too), but at the same time I wish she would call or reply or something to let me know that she still cares. Right now it feels like she's trying to either avoid me or cut me out of her life completely, and that hurts because for the life of me I can't figure out why. I haven't given her any reason to dislike me; all I'm trying to do is be here for her and do the best I can by her. So I'm a bit confused by this right now... of course, odds are it'll turn out to be that she's really busy and not feeling well, which is what's happening, but it still hurts and worries me.
2003.01.26
2003.01.26
Added color... a thick layer of blues, reds, and purples, in some interesting
shapes.
So here's the real update, as promised… you can see today's addition to the Project at right. Today I went out and bought some more paints and a bigger brush, the better for laying down a lot of paint with. I added color - kind of a red-blue-purple kind of coating that adds more texture while at the same time adding some shape and line to the whole thing. I sense a few patterns developing here already… this movement from that spot of concentration in the upper left down to the right is one major line that I'm starting to see. This is still kind of a "base coat" for me… adding some texture and depth to the final project.
School is, well, school… I'm still doing a lot of reading and 'riting, though I haven't really done much 'rithmetic in the last five years of college. Maybe that's because I'm a humanities major. (I'm also probably going to be unemployed with a Master's degree. That's also because I'm a humanities major.)
In a freakish and bizarre turn of events, I've been cast as Elvis in BGSU's upcoming production of Pirates of Penzance. I'm really looking forward to playing the King (I come out at the end of the show and say one line) even though I have to confess that I'm still not 100% on the concept for the show. I'm not the director, though, so I'll leave the directing up to them. All I have to do is shake my hips, look damn cool, and say "Thank you, thank you very much." And by gum, that's what I'm going to do.
In other interesting news, yesterday I applied for Fuller Seminary in Pasadena, CA. This is a pretty huge step for me… I'm going to be applying for several seminaries over the course of the next few weeks. This is really going to be a chance for me to "test my call" (in the words of the Fuller Seminary president) and see if this kind of ministry is what God is calling me to do. I'm really interested to see how this pans out. (Not only that, but if I do end up going to Fuller, I'm going to be in the LA Metropolitan Area, which will also be very interesting, what with the warm weather and the people and the mountains and all. No more cold Ohio winters for me, baby!)
I've been feeling a little down lately… I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I've been feeling a touch disconnected from God. I need to get more into prayer and study and stuff… I've ordered a few books from Amazon that I hope will help me somewhat in the study part.
I've also been a little frustrated because it doesn't look like Anita and I are going to be seeing much of each other this semester… not that we're splitting up or anything, just that we're both so busy with all our various things that it will be really hard to make the time for each other. While I do understand and appreciate the fact that she has her own life, and I'm glad she does, it can get frustrating when I want to see her and can't because she's busy. The time we do spend together, though, is that much more valuable, and we've been having some good talks over the last week or so, which has been good. So things are still cool, but not as cool as they should be. Yeah.
That's really about all that's happening in my life right now. This week promises to get busier. Oh joy.
2003.01.25
2003.01.25
The Sea King falls, leaving in his wake a wash of pure white, very textured
and thick in places.
More tomorrow... right now I want to introduce you to a new project I'm starting. I call it the Continual Art Project, though if anyone can think of a better name, it would be sorely welcomed. Basically, I painted a canvas white today. I REALLY painted it white... lathered on the paint so thick in places it was piled almost 1/4 inch off the canvas.
Previous to this use, the canvas was a piece I'd painted for a girlfriend called "Triumph of the Sea King," that I got back when we broke up.
I've been trying to think of a good recycled use for it for months. Basically, the idea behind this painting is that every time I update the blog, I'm going to add something to the painting, too - hopefully, something that reflects my mood at the time - and take a digital picture of the addition, and put that up next to the entry. This will hopefully make a piece of art that reflects the journey my life takes over the next little while or so. I don't know when the project's going to be completed... either I'll just say one day that I'm done now, or the painting will travel with me wherever I go and continually be added to. I like the latter idea more, but after a while I can picture that thing getting really heavy with paint.
2003.01.15
So I swore I'd write in this thing more this year, and, well, here I am, ten days later, having not written a thing. Wait a minute, I didn't swear that. Never mind.
So it's been a week and a half, hasn't it. Boy howdy, it has. Last week, I was doing stuff for Calvin all week, taking the incredible show As It Is In Heaven, which is incredible by the by, to Evansville, IN, for ACTF (that's American College Theatre Festival, for the uninitiated.) It was a lot of work - especially with the thumb still bandaged - and I felt useless much of the time since I don't have what some would call a technical mind, and I'm not good at building or taking down stuff. But I got to see a lot of my Calvin people again, as well as getting to spend time with my good friend Karl, down for the month from Minnesota. Unfortunately, it also meant that Anita and I didn't see each other for five days - it's not as if that's a really big deal, except that it's the first time we've been separated. I think we handled it really well, though... none of the desperate whiny "I miss you - I ache for you - please come back early" stuff.
Speaking of which, things are going really well with the ladyfriend. We're getting back into the swing of things with regards to being busy again... that's going to probably cause a little stress in our relationship (as it would tend to) but it's all good. Every day I find something new about her that I'm just crazy about. I can't say enough nice things about her.
It's so incredibly weird to be in a mature adult relationship. This isn't to imply that previous relationships weren't mature adult relationships, but I feel like I can talk to Anita about anything - including when I have doubts about where things are headed (which sometimes happens with analytical people like me) - and don't have to worry about her playing headgames with me or being really emotional about stuff. I'm really glad that she's in my life, because I respect her a lot and I know that she'll be as truthful with me as I can be with her. I really value the fact that we can be real around each other.
Back to the storyline, though... classes have started. I've only got three actual classes. I'm also doing three hours of independent study where I'm going to be writing about the use of language in worship; the department chair, Ron Shields, who is incredibly cool, is going to be advising me on that. I'm also taking a course on Celebrity with Shields, Theatre History with the Berwind, and a course called Period, Style, and Form, which is all about composition and art/architecture history, with Margaret McCubbin, who is a really interesting person. I've also gone to a M-W-F work schedule, so I've got two days off a week rather than one. Oh, and I've only got 8:00's two days a week too, which will make me less tired. Sleep=good.
I've had this really cool VW commercial stuck in my head recently. It's called "The Bubble" - it's the one with the youngish looking guy who goes to work every day in his office, with ELO's "Mr. Blue Sky" playing in the background. The composition of this commercial is really amazing, and I'm wowed every time I see it. It's got this mise-en-scene, if that's an applicable term for television, that reminds me kind of Wes Anderson in a way, and I don't know why... maybe it's just the way the director uses lines. In any case, I'm really impressed.
I'm also quite pleased that Norah Jones got a Grammy nomination for "Come Away With Me." I bought this album last fall, and it's some really great music, a good alternative to all the bland popular dreck that passes for radio these days. But don't get me started on the state of modern radio - that might be the subject of my first rant, if I ever get around to writing it.
So, things are going well. I'm well-fed, well-slept, I'm in a good relationship, I have good friends, a good job, Jesus, my music, and a bandage on my thumb, not in order of importance.
2003.01.05
See the picture below? That's my left hand.
See, funny story, really. I was chopping green onions last night (for this delicious Mexican delicacy known as a "taco" that I like to cook sometimes) and, well, chopped a little too close to the thumb, so close that in fact the knife could be described by some as actually cutting the thumb itself. It wasn't serious, though, just bleeding a lot and me jumping around a lot, holding the thumb, and swearing. Nothing got cut off. Four hours, one trip to the emergency room, three stitches, and five needle-holes in various parts of my left arm later, and I was fine, except that I'm going to be wearing this bandage for the next week or so, until they take the stitches out.
Compared to that, it's hard to find something else that's interesting happening in my life. I visited a new church last night - it's called CedarCreek (all one word) and while it's a tad big for my tastes (3500 people a weekend or so) some remarkable things are really being done there. I'm hoping to talk with some people there for this project I'm doing in the spring about the postcontemporary church.
So that's about all.
2003.01.02
Well, it's a new year. Alright, so it's the 2nd, so it was really a new year yesterday. We're already one dog-week into the new year. But still. I think I feel the unexplainable urge to sum up the previous year, to reflect on what's happened. Thus, I will do so, in a segment I call The Year in Review.
2002 The Year In Review(tm)
Well… it's been a year.
I suppose the best way to describe 2002 would be that it has been very… interesting. A lot of changes have happened in my life since January 1. I'm a different man - a wiser, better man, I hope - than I was at the beginning of the year.
2002 started with a great deal of confusion on my part, as I wrestled with defining several relationships in my life. A friend and I were considering whether we should move our relationship to another level, and the relationship between me and my ex-fiance Becky was reforming, to what was then a quite uncertain future. In the midst of these things, I left the country, on a whirlwind trip to Britain, during which I fell in love with the island. (I want to go back there.) Upon my return and the subsequent beginning of my last semester at Calvin, these relationships resolved themselves, and in both situations we decided that being friends was the best step. So with those relationships on more stable ground, I turned to the issue of school - and deciding just what to do after I graduated.
In the middle of the spring semester I decided on a whim to apply for the theatre program at Bowling Green State University. I was subsequently accepted to the school and offered an assistantship - meaning that for the first time in my life, I would be paid to go to school. Other than this and a few minor relationship intrigues (the details of which would bore my reading audience, who presumably do not like to be bored by long sentences or parenthetical statements), nothing much happened in the spring. But it was a good nothing.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, and I graduated from Calvin College in May 2002 with degrees in English and Communications (Theatre). I then tried to find some sort of gainful summer employment… but apparently they don't offer jobs to folks with theatre degrees. Hmm. So most of the summer was spent sitting in Schuler's Bookstore, reading and drinking bottomless coffees. This was very good for the soul, but not for the wallet, which was soon quite empty. (I also took a little side trip with the fam to Bermuda, which was pleasant if not a little lonely.)
August 2002 came, and it was time to pack up all my earthly possessions and move down to Bowling Green, where I knew almost nobody and had no friends. And so I did, leaving all my GR peepz behind and heading out into the wild blue flat ugly boring yonder of Northwest Ohio. (Gee, Jim, stop being so nice and tell us what you really think.)
Despite the landscape woes (and there were, and still are, many), I began to find a home at BG - not among the grad students, who (in my opinion) took themselves too seriously, but among the undergrads, with whom I formed some very good connections. My involvement in the Christmas Carol led me to some great friendships with the people here, and got me involved (both in directing and in acting/singing) in production again, which made me realize how much I missed it. I met some groovy people though, both in CC and in the department at large... especially Jenn, with whom I was madly and secretly in love for a while (and in a way always will be) and Asher, my twin E-Sean, Halfhill, and the Fossa, among others. They're groovy folk.
I also got involved in a little group called h2o, which is a campus ministry group. I didn't have too much of a chance to get involved (due to the aforementioned production, which ate up all my free time) but I did make some very good friends. Despite the fact that I'm now thinking of leaving that organization (I'm not sure we fit) the friendships remain, and that's groovy. Major shouts-out to Em, Meggers, and Matt. I can't believe I just said that. I must be de-evolving.
As the semester drew to a close and I began to become frustrated with a certain theatre history professor of mine and his final exam, a new development came into my life… I started dating again. I met this really nice, beautiful, incredibly groovy girl named Anita, and despite my many shortcomings she decided she kinda wanted to be with me anyway, so I figured I'd milk that until she got sick of me. Three and a half weeks later, we're still together. I know it doesn't seem like much, but it proves that she has a lot of patience dealing with my particular brand of insanity for three and a half weeks. Hopefully she'll tolerate me a little longer.
So, the future will be what it will be. I have to make some decisions real soon about where I want to go next year… I'm graduating again this summer and I have to know what my next move is. Hopefully, I'll get closer to God, make good decisions, do smart things, keep learning, deepen relationships, drink my milk, stay in school, stay away from drugs, take one for the team, win one for the Gipper, and be all that I can be. Hopefully, I'll also be able to avoid clichés like the entire previous sentence, though the first five clauses were quite serious. (Ooo, I'm so postmodern, ironic, and self-aware that sometimes I think I'm too cool even for myself.)
It's certainly been a year.
(Oh, and there are pictures of Buehlermas here.)
2002.12.31
I'm 23 now.
So, I guess that this being New Year's Eve and all, as well as being my 23rd birthday, would give me cause to reflect and look back at The Year In Review. So here it is.
It's been a rather good year, really. I got to start it with
2002.12.29
Two days until my birthday. Happy 23, self!
Okay, now that that's all over with, I'm going to talk about my life.
First things first... Anita meeting the family. I honestly don't think it could have gone better than it did. (Well, maybe if my mom had handed me $5 million when we stepped through the door, it would have been better.) Seriously, though, Anita seems to have bonded with my family, and that's really groovy to see. Her and my mom get along really well, and her and Christy (my cousin) seem to have bonded somehow. Anita was even daring enough to go antiquing (antique shopping) with the ladies on Saturday, and enjoyed it. That's incredibly weird. (It could have helped her experience that my mom, aunt, and cousin all shared embarrassing Jimmy stories over lunch.) She also got to witness the mightiness that is the Bucket of Doom - there's nothing quite like watching three grown men light a bucket on fire when there are over 300 bottle rockets in said bucket and watching them all go off in a blaze of glory. (This year, I got to be the idiot who goes out and shoves the bucket into the lake, as opposed to last year when I was the idiot who lit the thing.)
Even if you don't count all the groovy Anita stuff, the family visit has been really good. I got to build a huge snowman with my uncle, do the Bucket Of Doom with them all and Anita, open a whole bunch of presents (including new bongo drums), shoot a pellet gun at some pop cans, and bowl a 300 series (which for normal people would suck, but for me that's good.) It's been a great weekend. The Bucket wasn't as good this year as last... I think we packed the inside too thick with flammables and couldn't get enough air in there. So no Steinmetz award for us this year. (I also think we need about 300 more bottle rockets in there.) But it was still some quality Bucket.
And, to make my life even better, it looks like I'm going to have a 4.0 for my first semester of grad school. Considering I thought I'd be lucky to make 3.7, that's quite impressive. Maybe my profs were overcome with sympathy upon looking at my final papers and such. (I didn't even have a 4.0 semester at Calvin! What's this going on here? When did I suddenly get smart? AAAAAAA! My brain is exploding with new knowledge!)
Oh, and I like Anita. A lot. She's really groovy, and gets groovier every minute I spend with her. She's one far-out, happening chick. (New Year's Eve is not only my birthday, but our three-week anniversary. That's interesting.) Seriously, I'm very happy with the way things are progressing with us... it's still waaaaaaay too early in the ballgame to say anything with regards to the future, but the long-term prospects are looking good from here.
Anywho, it's really late and I'm really tired, so I'm going to go to bed. I'm a happy man right now... I have no responsibilities for over a week, plenty of books to read, the affections of an incredible lady, a new cappucino maker, and a comfy chair. Life is good.
2002.12.27
Okay, so it's been a week. So what?
Anywho, yeah, Christmas.
Let me preface this paragraph by stating unequivocally that I do not hate children. There are those who believe I do, and they are free to believe that, and I may in fact have encouraged that belief a little. But I don't hate children as a concept, I just dislike it when you get 12 or so of them together, give them a lot of candy, and tell them they have Christmas presents. Then I want to leave the room.
Yep, it's Christmas in Whitehall, folks. My dad's four younger brothers and sisters all brought their broods to Grandma's house for Christmas frivolity and zaniness, and it was loud and obnoxious and everything I ever hoped it would be. (I had a few good conversations with my Aunt Joanie, however.) Oh, and it snowed about 10 inches in Northwest Ohio that night, so my dad and I got to drive back in that. We left at 10 and didn't get home until 3:30; I had to abandon my car to the wolves in BG. Such, I suppose, is life.
Christmas Day was a tad more pleasant. I got to give me mum the picture I painted for her, and she loved that, and she also loved her digital camera. I got the Fellowship Extended Version DVD and a new player to play it in, so I'm quite happy with that. And I got to see The Two Towers again wit' my folks that night, and that always fills me with cheer, mirth, and merriment. So I'm a happy camper.
Today's the big day, when Anita meets my folks. She's a tad nervous (of course she is!) but I'm not all that worried about it… she's a great gal, they're really nice people, they'll get along great. Of course, I am subjecting her to my crazy uncle on the same day as she meets my sane parents. I'm excited for them to meet each other. I'm also excited to see the Buehlers (the aforementioned crazy uncle and his family, plus my great aunt Genie who is the most wonderful woman on the whole earth) and to have general forms of fun with them. So life is good.
2002.12.19
Well, it's been about seven hours now since I sat down for the home stretch, but I'm now officially COMPLETELY FREAKING DONE with first semester. Well, maybe not, I still have to wake my butt up tomorrow morning and turn in the 25 or so pages of final exam I've written in the last 36 hours. But still. I'm really mad at these theatre history questions. All the questions dealt with things we knew little or nothing about. This troubles me... but I'm FREAKING DONE.
In other, much less frustrating news, things with Anita are going really well. I find myself more and more crazy about her the more I learn about her. I absolutely love spending time with her; it's like an escape from the rest of the world. I'm hoping that now that I'm done with school for another three weeks we can spend some quality time together without the shadow of final exams looming over my head like a great behemoth of evil and death.
I'm also looking forward to introducing her to the family, to which some have replied that it's too early in the relationship to do that. I disagree. I don't think it's possible for it to be too early for the family to be a part of this weird monstrosity we call the courtship ritual… it's good to connect to my roots. Besides, I'm convinced that my parents will love her… after all, she's not a certain ex-fiance of mine (whom my mom was sure I'd get back with), and that's about ten points in her favor right there. (BLEAH!)
So things are going well… and they'll be going a lot better at about 10.30 tomorrow morning when I'm completely done with this semester and can settle down into a Christmas Break filled with learning calculus, writing a manifesto, picking up theoretical physics, applying to Oxford, and starting the hunt for seminaries that will take MA's in theatre and the sin they bring in. Oh, and ACTF too. w00t.
Well, I'm off to bed, because I do have to wake my sorry tired ass up tomorrow morning. I'm going to an exam, I'm going to have some quality Obee time, I'm going to go surprise my ladyfriend at her place of employment, and then I might just go home a day early. I don't know.
2002.12.15
You know how I'll not update for a week, and that will be because nothing is happening in my life and so I have nothing to write about? Well, that isn't the case here. My last week has been quite interesting indeed.
First things first: school's going well, despite me having a lot to do. I've been learning this semester that what I thought were the limits of my ability to speedwrite (my undergrad record was a 10-pager - that got an A - in an hour and a half) are in fact not my limits. I've done 2-pagers in 10 minutes, 5-pagers in half an hour. I'm probably going to do 30 pages in the next three. My limits are increasing. This is fun.
(I also got an A on my paper in Jonathan's class, which is amazing because I've heard that he's a really hard grader and I didn't think that the paper was all that great. But I'll take the A where I can get it.)
But now on to the big news, and that is that I'm seeing someone. Her name is Anita, and she's wicked fly. We started talking two weeks ago Wednesday or so, and grew to like one another quite a bit, and decided on the following Tuesday (six days ago) that this was something we'd both like to pursue, so we're pursuing it. Right now the big struggle in this is to keep my emotions in check. I'm the type of person who jumps to conclusions emotionally, expecting them to move as fast as my mind, and so I'm taking this one slow emotionally. Emotions are as much an active thing as they are a passive one - I believe that feelings are in many ways a choice, rather than something that just happens to you. Thus, I'm struggling to keep choosing not to get in too deep too early: not because of anything troubling I see in her (on the contrary, we seem to be in many ways good matches for one another) but because I want to do this right. If this is going to last for a long time - which I of course hope it will (if I didn't hope for that I wouldn't be in the relationship, because I don't go short-term) - then it would be wisest if we didn't jump headlong into things but allowed them to simply be and work. So that's my long meaningful statement for the day.
That's about all there is in my life, except that after this week I'm FREAKING DONE for another three weeks - with the exception of filling out applications for Oxford and other schools, trying to figure out the next step in my zany life, perhaps taking a roadtrip down South, learning calculus and basic quantum physics and cosmology, writing a manifesto for myself, and oh yeah, that whole thing where Anita and I meet each other's folks. And I hear there's this Christmas thing I'm supposed to take part in too, but nothing definitive about that just yet.
2002.12.08
So it's 2 in the morning, I just finished tomorrow's homework, I think my toilet is developing a nasty habit of backing up, and I'm dead tired. But life is happening to me, and thus I feel a need to update this site if it kills me.
Carol's over, and I feel surprisingly not bittersweet about that. It was a great experience, and I've gotten closer to a lot of people from the show, and we put on a quality production, but it's over now, and that's just something that happens. I do know I'm not having kids anytime soon… I wouldn't have the patience for them. Those kids in the show annoyed the crap out of me sometimes. But I get my life back now… I might have a few evenings free this week, which is incredibly rare for me recently.
But those evenings will probably be taken up with the masses of work I have to do for classes over the next week. I have a lot due: a lighting design project, a huge presentation, a 20-25 page take-home exam, along with various other minutiae and getting things set for next semester. It shouldn't be too incredibly challenging, but still a challenge nonetheless. But once I'm done, I'm done… I don't have any real exams to take or anything, so these are things that once finished, represent the finality of my first semester at grad school, which is interesting.
Also interesting is the fact that I'm going to try to learn calculus and some more about general relativity and quantum physics over Christmas Break. I have recently had my interest in these things rekindled, and I would like to see if I could possibly feed that part of my brain again. It hasn't been used in quite a while, and that's disappointing.
In other news, there's kind of a woman in my life, and by kind of I mean that we're almost to the point of DTR (that's Define The Relationship, for all you non-Calvin folk.) We've been talking a lot over the past few days, and I'm really getting to know her very well, and am finding myself more and more intrigued by her. We click on a number of levels, and think somewhat alike, which is rather scary when I think about it. There's nothing certain yet as regards a relationship, and I think I like that for the time being, because these things have to be approached in a certain way and I rather like the idea of becoming good friends with her as well as more than friends. But I do know that we're both interested in exploring the possibility of something more, and that makes me somewhat happy, even though it is a bit daunting to be possibly looking at not being single for the first time since the Big Breakup. But I'll turn that over in my mind later. Right now, it's time to turn bed over in my mind, or at least go to it, or something like that. (I need sleep, in case you couldn't tell.)
2002.12.04
Life is interesting. Well, my life seems to always be interesting, but life is seemingly more interesting now. (If that sentence doesn't make sense, you've been sleeping too much. Donate some sleep to me, I'm short on it.)
Right now, my entire being is being consumed by the beast that is Christmas Carol. Well, actually, I'm having quite a bit of fun... we're in the middle of our run, and the crowds have been decent, and the people I'm in it with are most groovy. There are a few interpersonal issues that seem to be coming to a head, but hopefully I can confront them in the next day or two and nip them in the bud. Other than those, though, Carol's going quite swimmingly.
In other parts of my life, my girl-craziness continues, but I don't think it's that at all. There are just a lot of women in my life with whom I could see myself in a relationship, and that makes me somewhat interested in them. It's not like I'm making any kind of overt moves on any of them... right now, I'm just trying to get to know them better and what develops will develop. I'm not girl-crazy... it's not like I have crushes or anything. I'm just meeting more people who fit my criteria for people I would date/relate with.
That said, there's one more tonight. We really just started talking (as in deeper conversations than usual Obee chit-chat) today, but we agree on a lot of things, and think in somewhat the same way. I'm interested, which is to say that I wouldn't be opposed to things moving in the direction of a romantic relationship, but I'm not overtly pursuing one at this time. That's not the way I do things... I just become friends with the people I could be interested in and if God sees fit to have it develop into something more, it will, and there ain't a darn thing I can do to stop it. It's all up to God, and that's how I likes it. God's a lot smarter than me... that's one of the grooviest things about God.
I'm finding myself growing closer to God over the last few days, actually... I've been praying a lot in unusual situations (i.e. while sweeping stairwells at work, during rare breaks in the action that is my school-day) and that's been a really good thing for me. I'm really quite glad that God hears my prayers no matter where I say them or what I'm doing at the time, because that opens up a lot of possibilities for me.
So today was a good day, all in all. I should get some sleep now, though, so tomorrow's a good day. (I've found that good days follow good nights of sleep.)
2002.12.01
Wow. December. Month of my birth. 22 shopping days until Festivus. 30 until my birthday. Better start buying now... :)
Today was New Contact Day. That always makes me happy, getting to throw out last month's contacts and start in on ruining a new pair. Just to think that these contacts will be the ones that see the wonderment that will be The Two Towers, will see Christmas and New Year's and all that... it's an interesting thought. I'm intrigued. If these contacts could talk...
So anyway, Thanksgiving was a groove. Had dinner wit' da folks, all was well. Haven't seen the family in a while, it was good to catch up with them, although I learned that my mom and another lady from her work read this site regularly, so I guess I shouldn't talk about how piss-drunk I got this weekend and how many times I got laid. Not that that happened or anything, I wouldn't do either of those things because I'm such a nice boy and such a perfect little angel...
Aaaaaaaaanywho, I went to the wedding of my good friend Rae and her man The J on Friday, up in GR. If you don't know who those people are, you're now totally lost, which is okay. In any case, Schtein was one of the maids of honor, and despite the fact that she looked *GORGEOUS* I couldn't help but think all through the wedding that she and I dodged a pretty damn big bullet by not ending up getting married. Sure, we could have found a less painful way of discovering that fact, but nevertheless it was discovered and we're both better off for it. I don't think we could have done the married thing with each other. It would have driven us both insane.
Speaking of marriage, I've decided that I want to do it someday. Be married, that is. I mean, I've known all along that this was a goal for my life, but now I'm convinced more than ever that I'd make a pretty darned good husband, if I say so myself, which I do because I'm the kind of person who will. I mean, I'm sensitive, I'm not completely unattractive, I'm intensely loyal, I'm a relatively generous person... these are all things that are good things to have in a husband, or so I'm told. I know it will happen when it happens and the last thing I want to do is try to rush God when I know that God has a better plan for me, but there's a lot I want to share with someone, and I'm really looking forward to having someone to share my life with. Now, if only I had someone in mind... oh wait, I do. Never mind.
(Speaking of that certain young lady, we seem to keep exchanging meaningful glances and shared smiles, and that's nice, and leads me to believe that there may be mutual interest, but I'm not sure. This is the part of the mating ritual I hate the most, because so much is unknown. GAAAAAA.)
(Please note that this isn't like "ooo ooo I'm going to marry her" but it's more like "I'm interested in her because I could see myself marrying her at some point in the future should things work out." I don't let my heart get ahead of my head, or at least I try not to let that happen. Someday I'm going to post a treatise on here about relationships... maybe if I keep threatening to do it I actually will.)
I've been feeling a little spiritually detached recently because I haven't been able to make it to church the past few weeks. Last Sunday I had a caroler thing to do for Carol, and my Wednesdays and Thursdays are naturally shot to hell, and this Sunday I could have made it to church except that the church I attend didn't have anything this Sunday. I've really noticed the lack of worship in my life, especially as things get more stressful and I get more busy and I have less time to think about God or do any kind of prayer/devotion except the little bit I read out of the Word and another little book every night and the prayers I kind of mumble as I fall asleep, exhausted. This is rather troubling to me, especially as I'm considering a path that leads me into the ministry.
2002.11.26
I'm in a good mood now... very relieved and relaxed, which is very odd since I should be low-mojo right now with the way things usually work.
I'm done with school until Saturday (when I'm going to come in and write a paper.) It's a good feeling... having the 20-page paper for Chambers done, having the presentation for Lockford behind me, having all the shiz that was due for Boone done. I'm finished for three days, and I'm going to relax and relax hard. And clean my apartment and do my laundry and eat a lot of dead turkey and go to a wedding and be on the road for about 6 or 7 hours total, which is a bit under par for me for a holiday weekend.
Speaking of driving, I'm still looking for stalwart companions to accompany me on The Most Insane Spring Break Trip Ever (tm). I and my stalwart companions (whoever they may be) will be driving, over the 10 days from the Thursday before Spring Break to the Sunday it ends (I have to be at a tech that day) to San Francisco and Los Angeles and back, seeing everything there is to see on the way. Sound insane? It is. I love it.
The rest of my life has been going well. Carol goes up next Tuesday... I'm feeling very good about the show. The cast is really starting to come together and buckle down and get things done, and that's great. There are a few interpersonal ego issues to work through with some people, but all in all things are going well there.
With all this free time (hah!) on my hands, I've really been wrestling with what I'm going to do with myself next year. I'm done with my MA in July, and then I don't know where I'm going to be. Right now the big question is whether or not God is calling me to the ministry, or whether it's just something I really really want to do. I see myself as an "arts minister," as someone who uses his artistic, theatrical, and musical talents in the ministry, and that's something I love so much that I want to do it full-time... the question is whether that's something God wants me to do. I can't picture myself feeling like I'm fulfilling my purpose in any other job, but there are a lot of things God has planned for me that I can't picture right now, I'm sure. So that's the thing I'm considering.
Another thing I'm considering is whether and when to ask out a certain young lady in whom I'm pretty sure I'm interested. We've been talking over the past few days, and this is someone I've decided that I'm interested in being more than friends with. I'm told by certain sources that there is a potential interest there on her side as well, and so the question then becomes how to express my interest in her in a constructive, edifying, and Christian way.
2002.11.20
A brief essay/monologue/self-expression. This came to me tonight as I prepared for bed. These are raw, unedited thoughts... take them however you will.
I don't trust mirrors.
I mean, I look in the mirror and see this person, and I know in my mind that that's supposed to be the person I am.
But that guy looks like he has his stuff together. That guy's strong. That guy's good looking. That guy could take over the world. I can't.
I don't feel like that person.
I mean, seriously, I have no proof that the person I see as a reflection is actually what I look like. It could be… he does the same things as I do, his hair is about the same, he wears the same clothes… but what if I'm really not like that? What if I don't look like that? I have no way of knowing.
I guess the greatest weakness of the human body is its inability to truly perceive itself. The only way I know I exist is by bouncing off other things. I have to look in the mirror at a reflection of what I am (do I really look like that?), I have to speak into a tape recorder to hear what my voice sounds like (do I really sound like that?) And what do I smell like? I have no clue. The smell I'm used to smelling of myself is like zero on the scale… it's like water, it doesn't smell like anything to me. I have no way of detecting it.
So the reason I keep looking at myself… in mirrors, in car windows, in glass doors… it isn't narcissism. I guess it's that I keep needing more and more proof that the person in the reflection is actually me. I keep thinking that one of these days, maybe I'll catch a mirror unawares, I'll sneak up on it, and it'll make the mistake of showing me what I really look like to people, instead of that fakey reflection it always shows me. For a brief moment - that blink of an eye between the time it takes for light to go to and from the mirror, and the time the mirror figures out I'm there - I'm going to see what I truly am.
Or maybe someday I'll believe that what the mirror keeps telling me is true; maybe I'll start seeing myself as that guy on the glass in front of me, rather than the nerd from the seventh grade yearbook, or the kid who faced the wrong way in "The Wizard of Oz" in kindergarten. Maybe I'll believe that I'm that decent-looking, confident person. Maybe, if I keep looking in enough mirrors, I'm going to start believing them… and then, is there anything that can hold me back?
In other news, there's yet another new woman in my life in whom I could see myself being interested. (Darn me and my aversion to ending sentences with prepositions.) I don't know... I wouldn't describe myself as girl-crazy. The women in whom I choose to be interested are very few in proportion to the number of women I know, and they're always, from what other people tell me, the best kind of person. I'm not one of those guys who'll go after anything with boobs. That's not my way. But still, I seem to meet someone new every couple of weeks, start to wonder if she digs me back, and then, boom, she doesn't and I'm on my merry way. If it was anyone else, I don't know what I'd think, but to me it seems normal. It's not like I'm committing my heart to them or anything... I just meet people whom I could see myself dating and/or courting if the opportunity were to arise.
And who am I justifying this to: my readers, who frankly don't give a damn, if they even exist... or myself?
By the way, I'm still secretly in love with Jenn, despite my looking forlornly at other people. Don't get jealous, dearie... you're still the love of my life (after Jesus, of course.)
2002.11.16
Today was a non-day. Kind of like the opposite of a day. So would that make it a yad?
(Translation: I didn't accomplish a darned thing today.)
Aaaaaaaaaaanywho, things are going okay. Had a good lunch with my lil' sister Brit... her ex has been putting her through some utter crap recently, and I tried to offer what few nuggets of wisdom I actually possess. Those five seconds having passed, I just sat there and listened and tried to be as supportive as I could. Sometimes situations with my friends remind me so much of things I've been involved in that it's scary. But that's another story altogether.
Incidentally, Jenn is downright great.
2002.11.15
I've just seen Harry Potter. It's a good movie. I recommend seeing it. Once.
Today has been a halfway decent day. Life continues on around me, swirling like that yogurt with the fruit on the bottom that you have to mix up to get to the fruit, turning like a bad metaphor in a sunny room. I saw the excellently-done "Picasso at the Lapin Agile" tonight at BGSU... I got most of the "nerd jokes" that Steve Martin threw into his script, though I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing. I also went over to Janine and Lynne's and jammed some with folks over there, good times. Then we went to see the Potter movie. Now it's 4 am and I feel like doing nothing but going to sleep. So I will... after I'm done here.
In other news, I'm still madly and passionately (although secretly) in love with Jenn. I can't say enough about her... she's so incredibly beautiful, and has such a wonderful soul, and I can't see how any guy could possibly not fall head over heels in love with her. Despite my best efforts to resist, I have completely fallen for her. Secretly. (Shhhh... she doesn't know. Don't anyone tell her. It's a secret.)
Hehehe. I'm so zany.
2002.11.14
Okay, so the last few days have been kinda blah. Haven't gotten too much sleep, haven't gotten much anything in the way of homework done, really just allowing life to happen to me. Which is rather unfortunate if one thinks about it, because there's so much to get done and so much life to live and here I am having to just fight my way through every day because I'm utterly fatigued, physically, mentally, and emotionally. (You wouldn't believe what hard work it is being secretly in love with someone. Being in love is tiring enough, but having to keep it a secret is even more taxing.)
In other, somewhat better news, I'm reading through Lord of the Rings again - the first time I've done it since the movies came out. It really puts a new spin on the story, being able to picture faces and voices to go with the names. The more I read, the more respect I have for Sean Astin, because he nailed Sam right on the head. I just read Sam's dialogue and hear Astin's voice, and it's incredible. So that's cool.
I have a friend right now who's going through some troubles and strife and a lot of stress and some physical ailments on top of that, and I'm very concerned about her - not that anything bad's going to happen, but that she's just going to get down on life. She's a real ray of sunshine in my life right now, and she makes every day I see her much brighter, and I really hate to see her hurting or troubling about things. I wish there was more that I could do for her, but alas, prayer will have to be enough for now. Just have to keep repeating to myself... God's bigger than me, God's bigger than me, God's bigger than me.....
2002.11.12
I'm at one of those low points again… I'm just feeling kind of down, like I do every couple of weeks or so. I'm convinced that it's something chemical somewhere in my brain. I don't know… I just have had critically low mojo today. I told a few jokes tonight that bombed, and my confidence is shot. That happens every so often. Bad days are things that occur from time to time.
I had a really busy day today. Class, work, homework, rehearsal for Carol. I'm having more and more fun at Carol rehearsals nowadays… the cast and crew for this show are seriously very cool, and I love getting to sing Christmas songs. Almost makes me miss choir, except that now I'm one of seven and I'm the only tenor and Merle isn't directing, all of which are very cool. And they need me in the carolers to keep those darn sopranos (both male and female) in line.
So tonight was my first Theta meeting. I had fun. I dig those Theta folks. I just hope they'll let me pledge so that I can eventually become a member, so that I can vote a few times before graduating. We went to Myles afterward, at which I had some garlic bread which made me feel somewhat ill, mostly because it was so salty. My mojo by this point was critically low, and I really had an okay time that would have been better were I nearer my peak in terms of energy and mojo. But I wasn't. C'est la vie.
Jenn wants me to write more nice things about her in my "diary" (I would never keep a diary, this is a blog) so I should point out that she is the most beautiful, honest, witty, absolutely wonderful girl I've ever known in my entire life. If it weren't for her boyfriend I'd elope with her tomorrow. She's also quite amusing. (drip drip drip) I also secretly have a big crush on her, and the real reason that I'm bummed tonight is because she didn't sit by me at Theta or at Myle's, so I figured I should just write some more flattering things about her in here. So I figured that the best place to talk about my secret crush on her was in this very public weblog which she reads daily. Makes sense, doesn't it?
2002.11.11
A tornado blew through BG today, and my house wasn't blown away. (That rhymes, like a bad poem.) I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing; on the one hand, I have a warm place to sleep tonight and all my stuff is safe. On the other hand, however, if a tornado had blown my house away I probably would have gotten new stuff to replace all the old stuff, and my professors would probably give me somewhat of a reprieve on my homework, seeing as how my house was blown away and all. But alas, it is still here, and in it I sit, plugging away at my log entry. *sigh*
I had an enjoyable evening tonight. First, the Perfect Storm blew through town, causing people to get worried. The tornado warning happened, and I, sitting in this apartment with no basement and one windowless room, decided that this probably wouldn't be the safest of places should a twister blow through. Looking at my landlady's house and seeing that she was not home, her basement was not an option. So I hightailed it on over to Founders - a dorm at BG - and hunkered down in the basement there with some friends.
The tornado warning having ended, I met with Jenn (a particularly amusing individual) and decided that we weren't going to go to Ann Arbor as a large group, as had been previously planned, because of the aforementioned storm and because traffic was likely to be snarled. So we went over to S-Trunk's place and then went to Toledo to eat at Friday's, the three of us. Jenn is fairly convinced that our waiter thought that Jimmy and I were together, which would have been really silly since we're both named Jimmy and that would just be absurd that two people with the same name would hook up. It would also have been really silly because I'm not into men, and this sentence's sole purpose is to reassure my mother and any potential girlfriends who may be reading this.
Then we returned, watched the Yatta! video, and hung out in Jimmy's, then Jenn's room for a while, and had a little mini-poetry reading, after which I became fairly depressed for myriad reasons, not the least of which is that the poems themselves were depressingly bad. I then returned home after watching Jimmy surf through the PlanetOut personal ads and see all the guys he's almost dated.
I have absurd nights sometimes. This, I suppose, was one of those. I enjoyed it, though. That would be a really bad way to end a log entry. Another bad way to end a log entry is with an incomplete sentence, so I think I'll
2002.11.09
I'm very tired right now. I just got home from the Theta Alpha Phi Movie Marathon about an hour ago. I've been up for 36 hours straight, save for getting a wink or two this morning lying on the floor with "Rushmore" playing in the background. But I got to see a movie I haven't seen before: "The Big Lebowski." And I think it's brilliant… maybe it's even more brilliant when it's not 3 in the morning, but it's still quite a brilliant movie.
I have also taken another milestone step in my life as a human being, one which I would never have pictured myself taking before now… I applied to pledge a fraternity. Well, sort of. It is a fraternity, but it isn't like "Animal House" Greek… it's the aforementioned Theta Alpha Phi, the theatre fraternity. I'm excited, because getting in would mean that I get to spend more time with my theatre friends, and they're all really cool people.
In related news, Christmas Carol - the show I'm assistant directing - is going swimmingly. The cast is working out really well and the show is looking great. I'm a bit worried about how my voice will hold up as I'm caroling, especially since I have a solo or two, but endurance is something I have to train into myself, so I'm working hard on using my diaphragm more and my throat less.
In yet more unrelated news, I'm very glad that the aforementioned problem with the aforementioned person (which still will not be discussed in more detail) has been resolved to the extent to which it has been resolved. I'm really glad there are no lingering feelings or thoughts left hanging that need resolution, because that would have made this previous evening incredibly awkward. So things are resolved, and resolved is good. You say you want a resolution…..
2002.11.05
If it wasn't for the fact that I'm very much heterosexual and that they are so incredibly attractive and adorable, I think I'd swear off any kind of romantic relationship with women permanently. It's such a pain sometimes, trying to figure out what they really think of me, and whether they're interested or not and to what degree. If I wasn't so patient / stupid / lonely, I'd give up totally.
So a certain woman situation in my life which has gone unmentioned here in the past appears to be resolving itself, in such a fashion as to make it appear never to have existed at all, which suits me just fine, thank you very much. I'd rather forget the whole thing happened, and I'd rather the other people who know about it also forget it, so that I'm never reminded of it ever again, because there are just some things that are best left forgotten. The details of this whole thing, unfortunately, cannot be expressed in so public a forum, because of their potential to damage relationships as well as my lack of desire to feed the gossip troll. Let's just leave it where I say that the situation is now over, and I'm not going to deal with it anymore.
2002.11.02
Wow. My first weekend as a normal person. Welcome to the real world, or at least the real world of a college town.
So last night I go to my friend Emily's birthday dinner thing in Findlay... had a real great time. Hung out, got to know some new people, got to have a real good dinner thanks to her very cool parents (who would be cool even if they didn't buy me dinner), sat in a room full of pink stuff and yet managed not to feel emasculated, even when all the Barbie stuff got whipped out. Just in case you needed proof of how manly I really am. Grr.
After that thing, I drove off into the cold cold night (boy was it cold) to the Theta Alpha Phi (the theatre honorary fraternity) Halloween Party. That was a load of hootenanny. Saw a bunch of people I thought would get really drunk get really drunk, which would have been a sobering experience had I not thought beforehand that they were going to get drunk. I also discovered that Britney, a freshman girl who's very much like a little sister to me, reminds me a lot of Schtein, especially since she dyed her hair dark for the evening, which was weird in the way like "wow, she reminds me of my ex and yet I still think of her as a little sister."
I also got to flirt shamelessly with several young women... that was a pleasant experience, because we all knew that it was just flirtation and there was no meaning behind it and so it was all good, shameless flirtation. That's the best kind of flirtation, except for the kind where you know you're both interested in one another and you know the flirtation is covering up something deeper... unfortunately, that kind of flirtation hasn't happened for me in a long, long while.
So I got home around 4, went promptly to bed. Waking up this morning around 10:30, I went into my office and ACTUALLY GOT WORK DONE. Believe me, I'm as surprised as you are. Yeah, I got my paper for Theatre History written, and it's not due until Monday. Meaning it's done, and all I have to do tomorrow is read thousands of pages of text for my other classes.
And then I went to see "Not Enough Light" by Matty R. It's an excellent play, which didn't surprise me because Matty R is an excellent guy. And the acting was exquisite, especially by my twin brother E-Sean, who was born six minutes before me, no joke.
So then it was me and JM, off to Asher's cocktail party, which was cool in its own way. There's a very specific mood I have to be in to have a great time at a cocktail party like that, the kind of mood where I'm just thinking "man, I wish I could go hang out with people and have a nice quiet evening of singing showtunes and just chilling and talking and stuff." Had I been in that mood, I would have found that party to be the coolest thing since sliced bread. But tonight wasn't one of those nights... I was in the mood to do the college thing for a while. So we spent a few minutes there, said hey, and left for Howard's, where Superdrag was playing.
So we watched the opening band (who sucked pretty royally) and then went to eat, and then saw Superdrag. They were real tight and had a great sound, and this short-haired chick kept checking me out and giving me "the eye." I think she was like 18 or something, a little young, and was drinking straight from a pitcher of beer, so nothing was going to happen, but still it was quite flattering. I don't get checked out often. And I got to spend almost the whole evening with JM, who's a really cool guy. We talked philosophy and stuff, talked metaphysics and physiology and all sorts of cool things. We have a lot in common, him and I... we're both musicians, both love improv, both think a lot about weird things that nobody else thinks about. I could see us becoming real close friends.
So that's my "normal" weekend so far. Tomorrow: Berlin to Broadway, and the strike thereof.
2002.10.31
I would be bitching about how I'm spending another Halloween night alone, but I didn't spend last Halloween night alone, and I'm going out twice tomorrow night and once Saturday night, so I guess I can't complain about the ol' social life too much.
Things are settling and unsettling themselves all at the same time here, but that's the way life usually goes. It seems that the young woman I'm "interested" in is not interested in dating at all right now, because so many guys want to date her. Which is perfectly cool, and in fact quite admirable, and I really respect that a lot. The problem, though, is that I feel like I'm getting lumped into this "guys who only want to get wit' her" group when that has never been my intention.
The problem is that I approach relationships in a fundamentally different way from most of the people with whom I come in contact on a daily basis. I'm not a person who dates someone just to get to know them better... I wouldn't date someone until I knew enough about them to know that they fit a set of somewhat loose criteria of what I'm looking for in a life partner (i.e. is Christian, gets along with me well, has some things in common). For me, dating must necessarily arise out of some kind of friendship, and must necessarily lead to some kind of future. So even if I were interested in dating this young woman (which I don't know I am or not, the only thing I know is that she seems to fit the criteria and also happens to be stunningly beautiful and incredibly adorable), I would have to get to know her better - as friends - before trying to move the relationship to another level.
The thing that worries me, though, is that because I could see myself being interested in her, and because she seems to know this, she might write me off or try to shut me out, thinking that I'm just interested in being her boyfriend, whereas I'm interested in being her friend first and possibly seeing where that leads, if we're both so inclined. In other words, I'm worried that she's going to think that I'm trying to get in her pants, when what I really want is to know her better - to know more about who she is, how she approaches the world, what her dreams are. What I really want is to get into her head and into her heart and see how she ticks, try to be a friend to her.
So other than that, things are going. I seem to have this problem where I worry that a lot of the other women in my life - women I want to be friends with, but don't see it leading anywhere for whatever reason (mostly religious) - are interested in me. I don't know whether this is substantiated in any way, but it's really causing me to take a step back and evaluate how I connect with the people in my life. I don't want to be someone who breaks women's hearts, I don't want women (or men, for that matter) to be interested in me when I can't return their feelings. I've been on the other side of that far too many times in my life, been in a situation where I really liked someone only to have them not like me, and I don't want to do that to people. The problem is that I really want to be friends with these women, and I worry that my being friends with them - especially with the frequency with which I bitch about my love life, or lack thereof - would hurt them.
Another interesting tidbit about my love life (interesting how I talk so much about something I don't have) it seems that a certain young woman I'm friends with (but no more than that, she has a boyfriend) is trying to set me up with someone. It appears, however, that it's what she calls a "legally blind" date, meaning (I think) that it's someone I know, but I'm not to know who until the date. This troubles me on a few levels - one, that this seems an awful lot like she's going to set me up with someone I'd otherwise not be interested in, and two, this seems an awful lot like high school, but without the social rejection or me having long hair. I'm going to see what more information I can get out of her about this mystery date, but my mind still isn't made up about whether I'll go on it or not. Seems to violate a lot of my rules about relationships (see above) but it could work to get to know this woman - whomever she may be - better, and that's never bad, plus I haven't been on a date in a while now. So I have mixed feelings about this.
Not much else going on in my life right now… Christmas Carol is happening, and it's happening well, and I'm enjoying it. The cast is an incredible amount of fun, and the show is also very good. I'm hoping it will make people's nights better, and maybe save a marriage or two. I don't know. I'm in a more serious mood right now, the whole "making jokes" thing isn't working. Guess that happens.
Well, I'm out of things to write, so I'll stop now.
2002.10.22
It's fricking warm in my apartment right now… the heat is on in here and I just cooked some Pizza Rolls, so it's blazing hot, in a rather uncomfortable way. It'll cool down, though.
So how has life been treating me these past weeks, you may ask? Well, rather well, and rather not. I seem to have some direction in my life now… I'm pretty much settled on the idea that I'm leaving here after I get my Masters in July, unless I have a very compelling reason to stay, like someone offers me a million dollars or the voice of God booms down from on high or something. Where to, then? I don't know… maybe Seminary, maybe an MFA, maybe I'll tool around the country a bit. It all depends on a myriad of circumstances.
And I like another girl. Ugh… the story of my life, I suppose. I like her, she's single, she's available, she's everything I was looking for in a potential mate, she's staggeringly beautiful, she can sing, she's even Christian... and I'm too much of a big wuss to do anything about it, because every time I resolve to ask her out, when it comes to the time the opportunity just isn't there. I'm a big chicken. This is a big issue in my prayer life recently, trying to turn the corner into actually thinking of myself as a socially viable human being. I don't know if this girl (who shall remain nameless, for anonymity's sake) is actually interested in me or not… it's hard to tell with undergrads exactly what is "not interested" and what is "I don't think of you as available because you're a grad student."
Which brings me to my next point, which is that I'm starting to tire of the grad students somewhat. There are some I enjoy hanging out with quite a bit - Annie and Michelle are my peeps, to use a 1337 term, and I'm really glad I've gotten to know them. Others, though, frustrate me, because they incessantly bitch about their lives and how much work they have to do (as if I don't have to do the same amount of work) and they take themselves and everything they do way too seriously. The only time I've seen them relax is when they go out to the bars on Friday or Saturday nights and get totally plastered. Another issue I have with many of the grad students here is that they look down so much on undergrads… I mean, here I was an undergrad this spring, now all of a sudden I'm five months older and have a piece of paper with some calligraphy on it and I can't associate with people who are my own age or a few years younger? I mean, it's ridiculous how some of the grad students just treat the undergrads (a) like they don't exist or (b) like they can't really do serious work in the theatre or in the classroom.
I, on the contrary, prefer the company of undergraduates to graduates any day of the week. Most of my closest friends here at BG (again, with the exception of Annie and Michelle) are undergrads, and that makes me very happy. I love hanging out with the undergrads… they have a much healthier, much less "school is my entire life" outlook on things that I find refreshing and more truthful than the graduate students in many ways. If any of the undergrads with whom I regularly hang out are reading this, you all r0x0r. (That's more 1337-$p33k.)
So that's my tirade for now. Boy, that was cathartic. It would be even more cathartic if anyone actually read this damn thing.
2002.09.29
So I'm back from GR and already a little frustrated. Such is life.
Had a great weekend in Grand Rapids… got to see all my old friends, got to do some lighting design, got to go back to my old church. 24-Hour Theatre went really really well… it was great to see it come together as brilliantly as it did. Some really good plays were performed and directed really well. And the lighting design was passable, too. I'm really glad I got to be a part of that.
Unfortunately, though, I had to return here, to the increasingly bothersome life I have in BG. I don't know what's going on here… I don't seem to be making any connections here, at least not good ones. It might be that I'm used to having the guys at the Duplex and all my Calvin friends around - people I feel like I could go to in a pinch, people whom I think would understand me. But it's just getting more and more depressing, the fact that nobody around here seems to get me, and nobody around here seems to care about anything. It seems to be all about me, me, me, and it's really starting to bother me. Everyone trying to get ahead, nobody really caring about anyone else. Community - the very purpose of our lives - is nowhere to be found, mostly because everyone's so busy fearing and being offended by everyone else that nobody's honest. It's hard being here, hard being in this place.
And the work doesn't make it much better. It's not that I don't value education - I do. I just don't see the crap we're doing here as being worth anyone's time. All the time being spent on writing all these papers, essentially about nothing. Half the profs at BG don't teach undergrads… they just work on their next book, so that they can get published, so that they can get tenure. And the books don't help anyone. It's all just so meaningless… the academics sit high in their ivory towers bemoaning that everyone else just doesn't understand, that we have to create a theatre that really helps people, while ignoring the fact that theatre isn't going to solve basic human needs, like hunger or thirst or nakedness or meaninglessness. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of writing these meaningless papers about meaningless topics, just so that I can get some damn piece of paper saying I'm an MA. I want to DO something with my life, want to help people, want to make a difference. If I could get out, I would. But I can't.
Wow, I just bitched about my life some more. Imagine that. Me, of all people. Hmm.
2002.09.26
So, great sadness. It appears that the girl I like, who shall continue to remain nameless, isn't interested in me. No confirmation of this, but it's a feeling I get, especially when she pays attention to everyone BUT me and it seems like there are several other suitors, all of whom are more worthy than me, waiting at her door. I had resolved earlier today to ask her out, but when I got the "I'm not interested in you" vibe tonight, I decided that rejection wasn't something I wanted to experience for the time being, even though there were plenty of opportunities for me to experience it. Hmmph. Go figure. So that's disappointing... not the end of the world or anything, but a little sad. As Gloria Gaynor said once, "I... I will survive." As I said once, that's a cliche.
In other news, I'm going back to GR tomorrow to do lighting design for 24-hour theatre at Calvin. I'm pumped to see all my friends again and to do some work. I feel so isolated here sometimes... it feels like the people in my department, who I thought I was getting along with, seem to disassociate themselves from me because I'm a conservative here (even though I'm pretty middle-of-the-road most other places) and because I'm religious. I try not to let it happen, but it does, and it hurts. So it'll be nice to be back in the company of my brothers at the 'Plex and to see all my friends and cohorts again.
I'm having a lot of fun at church here... it's a really great community, and I think a lot of the people there are groovy, even if they do speak a little too much "church" for my tastes. I'm going on a retreat with them next weekend. That'll be fun.
That's about all for now. Life is happening. A friend here at BG - the one friend I knew coming in - is going through some tough times, so I'm concerned about her, but other than that it's just me here, lonely, trying to keep up with my schoolwork and keep the faith and hope tomorrow will be a better day. Such is life, I suppose.
2002.09.23
So it's been a month. Can't tell you what kind of month, but a month. Yeah.
Well, classes are going okay... I feel like kind of an outsider sometimes because of what I believe, but I'm trying to learn not to argue or be confrontational, and it's tough for me. But I'm learning.
I met a girl too... I don't know if she's single, and I don't know if she's into me, but I'm sure as heckfire into her. I can't tell you (whoever you are) who she is, because you may know her and there's an off chance she might read this site (however remote that is) so I can't give too many details. Suffice to say that she's really incredibly cute and that I've only known her since last Sunday, so that might give you a hint. Or maybe not. Whatever.
Not much else going on. Tired a lot; of course, this probably has a lot to do with 8:00 classes every day. Yeah.
I'll talk more later. It's 12:30am. I'm going to bed.