Welcome to mistersite.net, home of... well, something unique, I hope. Be sure to check out all those lovely links to the left to see who I am, what I do, and what I like. Read my blog too... it's right under this paragraph. And leave a comment, so I know you've visited.
Heavy day.
If you read either of my brothers' blogs, you already know what's going on with my father, but now you get the story from California. Yesterday at about 3pm I got a call from my mom, saying that during an examination that morning of my dad's heart (he had a heart attack 12 years ago) they'd found some blocked arteries and were going to do a double, possibly triple, bypass this morning. I made a few phone calls and shotgunned out an email to the Tribe list and had most of my network in LA praying for him, and was more than a little nervous last night as I went to bed and today as I went through my day. Pardon me as I get a little self-indulgent and provide you, my audience who likely don't give a rip, insight into the Inner Self of Me... a story in three threads that may or may not interweave at some point.
Thread 1: I'm not good with helplessness, or being in situations I can't really affect. Usually I'm the one in control... I have a handle on the situation, I know what's going on and knew what was going on before most other people. It's a result of being a naturally analytical person. So this situation really hit me in two ways: one, that I was a little lost with the whole drama unfolding 2500 miles and three time zones away from me (not that I could offer the surgeons any help if I were there), and two, that I wasn't quite as lost as I thought I would be. There was a kind of calm with me... maybe it was the prayer, maybe it was that it didn't seem real being so far away, maybe it's even me maturing as a human being (unlikely as that may be.)
Thread 2: Throughout the day I was reminded of a "conversation" he and I had in December 2003 on this very blog about the topic of death... I was musing about wondering what it felt like to be dead, and he said he'd been thinking a lot about his own death as he got older. Now if you read this blog with any consistency, you know that there aren't many things he and I see eye-to-eye on - and it doesn't help that I come from an argumentative family, and have had power-struggles with both my parents virtually since I learned to talk (and probably even before) - so that moment of connection, particularly about death, has always stuck in my mind, as a really meaningful thing between the two of us.
Thread 3: I'm sure all my therapist friends will be interested to hear as well that I've also struggled in the past few years with the idea of making the ancestry back home (dad and mom, among other familial-types) proud... wondering if the fact that I'm three years out of college, at my second grad school, and likely to go straight from here to grad school #3 without really accomplishing anything or even having a "real job," is a source of shame to the family (being that I carry the name and all) - and generally that concern has been concentrated/projected on Jim #4, him being the dad and the carrier of the family name and the responsible adult and all that. I'm sure the therapists could tell me that it's part of the independence process, that it's a natural thing, but it's still been somewhat of a struggle for me. Which brings me to an email I got today from a Tribe friend I really only met a few weeks ago, in response to my prayer request: "You know what? I'll bet your dad is quite proud of you in general. Just saying." Now the person who wrote me this doesn't know my dad, and really doesn't know me all that well, and there really wasn't anything in the email I sent out that led to such a response, so it left me wondering: is this some kind of random moment of providence, or a random moment of randomness? (I'm not going to get into the theology here.)
Anyway, with those three threads firmly in tow, I got the call from my mom at about 1:15pm - the triple bypass went very well, dad's in recovery, got a lot of tubes and wires sticking out of him but he'll be okay. The rest of the family (mom, the brothers, Cindy, and Don) are going to see him tomorrow when he's fully lucid again. I'm a little bit jealous that they get to be there... I spent today psychologically ready to jump on a plane at any moment to get home, and while I'm relieved that the circumstances never really arose to require me to jump on that plane, I'm also a little disappointed not to have been able to be there with them through all this. I guess that's one of the bad things about living half a continent away from the family.
posted by jimmy at 22:44 -
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Happy Easter.
Okay, so it's been a while. I've been deadly busy... end of quarter papers, exams, etc. combined with more work than I can shake a stick at (while still only getting 30 hours per week) and side projects with Tribe that end up being much, much more.
First things first... it's Easter. Lent is over. I have to say I've never experienced an Easter quite as Easter-y as this one, mostly because this year I made it a priority in my life to participate in the whole Lenten season. For non-liturgical types, I highly recommend getting involved in the liturgical calendar at least for Lent... those Catholics were on to something when they came up with this whole thing. You really get the whole Easter experience, a more real joy out of "he is risen," when you've been through denial all through Lent, betrayal on Maundy Thursday, the suffering on Good Friday, and the despair of Nameless Saturday. Last night we went to the Ritual of the Holy Flame at FCC-LA (this huge Gothic-revival cathedral) and it was really breathtaking.
Second things second... yesterday. Alisa, Cameron, and I went out to Joshua Tree National Park (jewels of the nation, yadda yadda yadda) to see the desert wildflowers in bloom. Because of all the rain we've been getting, this is supposed to be one of the best wildflower years on record. And it was indeed quite a sight, seeing the desert, which is usually all dead and brown, in greens and yellows and oranges and reds and purples. We even saw the last blooms of a desert lily at the side of the road. Here are a couple of crappy cellphone camera pictures...
Cameron got some better pictures with his digital, I think, but I haven't gotten a chance to get them from him. Hopefully I'll be able to do that later.
Third things third... the project that's been eating up all my time. As some of you may know, Kevin Rolly (Tribe friend) has been working on an art project doing the Stations of the Cross (as part of a worship grant from Calvin College). A few weeks ago he asked if anyone was interested in filming a documentary of the process... and because I've got nothing to do (ha!) I decided to take the plunge, despite the fact that I've never made a documentary before and have no idea what I'm doing. So I've been getting footage over the past couple of weeks of his process... and I'm going to turn this into my Masters project at Fuller, meaning I'll get school credit to make a documentary I was going to make anyway. It'll probably end up being about an hour long, but that all depends on the footage I've got and how much material I think needs covering. We'll have to see.
Fourth, my beard is back, as you can see from the picture of me eating the lily above. It took about a week. So now I know how long it takes for my beard to grow back. That's useful information in case someone asks. Well, not really. But if I ever shave off the 'stache to do my killer Abe Lincoln impersonation, I know how long I have to go without it, so that's useful, I guess.
posted by jimmy at 12:05 -
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I shaved my beard off.
Also, while I'm feeling all pictorial, by popular request:
posted by jimmy at 23:36 -
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